Lorana and I were conversing via email about listening to a CD series by Voddie Baucham on Marriage.  She suggested that after we finish those that we go read through a book together.  With tongue in cheek, I suggested the following:

It's Someone Else's Fault:  Marriage in the New Millenium
I'm Okay, You Need Help
Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor's Big Book of Sex Tips
Hetero: The Dying Breed(ers)

Her reply:  Those are all fabulous choices, except I’ve already studied each of them with various boyfriends over the years.  Which, of course, explains why those relationships didn’t work out. 

So, kind readers, be creative and give us some more made-up names for bad relationship books.  Don't be afraid.  We're all friends here…  I think.

Show me the love or lack thereof!

One of the things I still hold onto is a slowness to talk about things that are stuck in my head.  It goes back to not feeling free to talk about struggles and weaknesses.  A good Christian is strong and never wavers or falls.  Can I get a "BS!", brothers and sister?

Now, I find myself in the most wonderful relationship of my life.  From time to time, I find things spinning around in my head.  I think about them and ruminate over them.  I see that some sort of action is needed.  If not action, then at least discussion over them.

Then Lorana speaks.  She too has things on her heart.  Amazingly, so many times, they are the things on my heart.  Her concerns mirror mine, her fears, too.  It's not just bad stuff - don't get me wrong.  Many times it is hopes and dreams for the future.  She brings things up that have been on my heart.  It's like she can read my mind or something.  

So, I struggle with the idea that because I'm the man, I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader here.  Why don't I bring up these things first and be that leader?  Why does she have to be the first to speak?

God has blessed me with a wonderful woman to complete me.  I hope that I complete her just as much. 

So, it I took a little time off from the blog, but now I'm rededicating myself to totally boring my readers.  The current ones already know what is going on with Lorana and I, and you've gotten through email some of the emotions behind it all.

I write my blog for a certain community of friends.  It happens that it is a community of faith.

I sometimes write for humor (it doesn't always work, but hey, I tried). A lot of times, the blog is a way of verbalizing some of my struggle.  I was brought up in a church system that expected you to keep your struggle to yourself and anyone who let it slip was vilified.  One associate pastor once decried to me that all to often, Christians kill their wounded, so the wounded never ask for help.

I need my openness.  I never want to choke down my outlet for letting my friends and faith family know where I am in my life. 

Last night, the church the girls go to with their mom, had a service to honor the graduating seniors.

A few years ago, the dads were invited to go up to the podium and say a few words about their child or give them some sort of challenge about going out into the world.  I'm pretty sure that there was a time limit given to each of the dads, but often it was ignored.  Some dads would have what they wanted to say written out, while others just seemed to go wherever their minds took them.  It could either be a good service or a bad service. If the dad wasn't able to make his speech, often a close family friend would do it for him.

Then one year, a man named Rick Chew changed how things were done.  He made up one of those new-fangled Powerpoint slide shows for his son. He knew that he'd never get through whatever talk he had prepared without tearing up, so he just did it through the power of computers.

This year, Karen spoke a few words about Kayleigh and then they ran the following presentation that I had put together.

Kayleigh's Senior Slide Show

My slide show was pretty different from all the others.  It seems like everyone else had there slide show done by the same person.  They all started the same way and ended the same way.  Every slide in them was in chronological order.  They started with the senior picture and then went to newborn baby shots and went step by step all the way up to the graduation photos.  Each ended with a Bible verse and some scrolling message from Mom and Dad.  I'm not putting this down, but there was just a SAMENESS to all of them.  There was no creativity or thought put into how the slides were laid out.

Now, I don't feel like a bad person for this, but I was the only one out of 6 video presentations that didn't use 2 Christian songs.  I think everyone else had at least one appearance of either Mercy Me or Casting Crowns. Although, I do give mega kudo's to the family who threw in an Andrew Peterson song.

After handing out that praise, I do want to hit up the family whose slides lasted about 1.5 songs.  That's right, it just ended halfway through a song.  Can't you come up with enough photo's to make it through 2 WHOLE songs?  I could have filled up a couple of hours with pictures of Kayleigh.  Who needs that, though?  Even if you have no more photos, can you not change the timing so that you give each photo an extra half second or lengthen your transitions a little?

In case you're curious, the singers name is Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. The first quote is from the Lazlo Bane song "Superman".  The second is from the movie "Almost Famous". They are some of Kayleigh's favorite quotes.

I am so far behind in my online life.  It has been 8 days since my last post, but honestly, I felt like I just posted.  I have so many unread items in my Google Reader, that I just can't seem to catch up.

Mostly, I blame Jon Acuff.  He is such a prolific writer.  There seems to be 20 new items a day on SCL. It's all good stuff, I just don't have the TIME!!!

My beautiful fiancee, Lorana, writes the most poignant, moving things which I read as soon as I can.  Yep, I admitted to her that many times I read them at red lights or in parking lots.  Thanks, iPhone!  Do I reply?  Not enough.  Well, many of my replies are in person.  Then, she writes me the most thoughtful, meaningful emails that leave me breathless and speechless.  These, I try to reply to, but my words seem so fumbling next to hers.  Sad, sad boy.

There area friends, too, Frikken and Krysco. Both incredibly good friends of Lorana who have come to mean a lot to me, too.  Both pour their hearts out online, opening up themselves and being transparent.  Words like these two write beg for me to answer.  Do I have time?  Not enough it seems here either.

I'm just lucky that Jay and Brooke don't write more.  I'd never be able to keep my head above water.

Carlos' blog at Ragamuffinsoul.com is a daily staple, but I'll admit I'm a deep lurker there.  I've commented a couple of times, but he gets so much love that he won't miss mine.

Twitter?  Don't get me started.  I go through days that are virtual Tweet-storms and then through long update droughts.

Am I better off with all this technology?  Not sure.  Jay and Brooke were talking about being in the moment more the last time I visited them.  I'm worried that I lose a lot of the moment because of the constant barrage of electrons flying around.  I told the girl that I'm going to get better at it when I'm with her.  I'll even ask her what time it is instead of looking at my phone to check.  You know, because I just can't stop at the time.  I need to know if there are any new tweets or emails or … 

It'll drive you crazy.

Did the Beatles get it right?  Is love all you need?

I don't know that  I can really go out on a limb here, but maybe…  What do we see as God's greatest attribute?  Is it His holiness?  His grace?  His mercy?

Maybe all of these spring from His love.  Could it be that the AGAPE love that He spills out all over us is the impetus for every thing that is done for us?   Is love an offshoot of His other traits or does it all spring from love?  Chicken or egg?

I admit that the statement contained in the title of this post is pretty simplistic.  I guess that I really want discourse and not to make my position known through pontificating.  So…

What are your thoughts? 

Leaving the "spiritual" discussion:  Have you seen "Across The Universe"?  Brooke described it as the "trippiest movie I've ever seen".  One thing that I know is, at 2 minutes and 52 seconds into this video, Jude's expression is the same thing I feel so many times with Lorana.  It's the moment when your very breath catches in your throat and every single feeling that you have overcomes you.  I know that isn't a spiritual observation, but it's how I feel about her.

So, I decided that I did need to say something and put myself out there.  Although my family does talk a little about spiritual things, we avoid the hard stuff.  If we can't avoid confrontation, we aim for passive aggression.  Yeah, it's what we do.

So, I sent my dad the following email earlier.  Some context is missing but I think there is enough to make sense.  Maybe I'll fill in the details later.  My original wording was different but my executive editor cleaned it up for me and urged me to say it in a better way.  Thanks, Lorana!

Dad,
There are some things that I need to say.

I came to a realization yesterday. You don't respect me. You never have, and it feels like you never will. Now that I understand that, I feel like I need to stop hoping for it. You may bring yourself to type or even say that you do, but you and I both know that it is not true.  And I can live with that, because I can rest on my relationship with God to give me what I need.  But what I really want is for us to get to a place where we can respect each other, where I do feel that you like the person I am.  I don't know how we do that.

Chris

I realized something this morning, driving in to work.  OK, it's not safe, I know it, but during my 45 minute commute, I email Lorana from my iPhone, I check my Google Reader for anything that just can't wait until I get into the office, I check for overnight Tweets, and read the family forum site in case somebody posted after I headed to bed the night before.

So, that's what I was doing this morning.  Right where Bell Rd meets Boles Rd, you know, where it takes that left hand turn but still is called Bell.  There's a stop sign and sometimes cars back up trying to make the turn.  I had a few seconds to read and that is when it hit me.

My father will never respect me.

He will not respect me as a man or a father or even as a son.  He will never respect me as a fellow Christian. There will never be a time that I don't feel that he is looking down on me.

I have already worked on how I have seen God as a form of my father.  In coming to God, I had to stop seeing Him that way.  There has been a disassociation of the two in my mind and in my heart already.  I still love my dad and respect him, but I know that he is imperfect as a model for God in my life.  I know how God sees me and I know that He no longer holds my sin against me.

Now I am a little hurt, angry, and struggling.  This is a terrible thing to realize.

Now, about the blog name… It actually popped up on one of my early MySpace or Xanga sites. I don't remember which one it was. However, when I set out looking for a profile picture, I couldn't find many photos with me in them.  I'm usually the one taking the picture.  Then, I found this one. 

I'm standing in the Atlantic at one of the beaches on St. Simons Island, GA.  It's funny, but this picture was part of the reason that I picked the name "Chris is Searching…"  I don't think that I could have told you what I was searching for then.  I knew something was missing and that I was empty inside.  I thought that I was a child of God, yet I had an ache inside for something more.  So we have a picture of me looking out over the ocean, looking for something.

Am I still searching?  Yes and No.  I have found Lorana or more correctly, God brought us together, so I'm not seeking for love.  God rescued me and moves in my life daily, so I'm not seeking Him.  Now what could I be seeking?

I desire to live my life for Him and for her.  There is a way that my whole life can be integrated totally.  In the words of Rob Bell, Everything is Spiritual. I learned all my life how some thought that Christians should live, but in that, so many times, those people were merely living by a formula.  I don't want to live by rote.  I want adventure, love, and excitement.  I want to feel God in every part of my life.  I don't want to compartmentalize my life and assign God to His corner.

The blog name remains.  Chris IS searching and hopefully, always will be.

Philippians 3:12-16 - Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

OK, I admit it. The boy from Georgia not only fell in love with a girl from San Diego, but now loves the place where she came from. There is a beauty to that city and its surrounding areas. If I was independently wealthy, I would love to pick up and move out there.

I’ve been swimming in the Atlantic and in the Gulf of Mexico, but the Pacific Ocean blew me away. Kayaking with Lorana, Tom, and Kris on Saturday morning was amazing. The water was so blue, the swells and waves so moving, and the shoreline amazingly beautiful.

There’s also something dichotomous in my feelings regarding the ATL and SD. I love Atlanta and Georgia because of the greenness of them both. The trees, pollen-filled pine and otherwise, stretch for miles and miles. Except for the burgeoning developments, the land is blanketed with trees.

In San Diego however, the trees are few and far between. There is a sparseness to the landscape that has its own beauty. You can see the contours, the hills and valleys. Behind the Oakridge house is a canyon that leads into other housing areas, but it has a beauty in itself that begs to be explored. The hills seem as if their rocks violently burst from the ground seeking the sky. This boy wanted to climb them and walk along their ridges seeking the views that the had to give.

Running through my head is the Annie Lennox song “Into the West”. It was at the end of The Return of the King, the last of the movies in the Lord of the Rings trilogy as the remaining Fellowship members sailed for the Grey Havens. So, yeah, I’m a little sentimental.